Just, as a precursor: if you didn’t know already, my name is India. Why yes, it is quite odd. So yes, it does prompt dumb questions/statements. I don't know why some people seem to get really nervous/stupid around me when they learn my name. Is it really that off putting? There are girls named Jordan and Darcy these days. There are boys named Phoenix, and babies named Apple. It's time to step into the next century! Hell, I was here before all of that crap. So maybe I'm the original.
In any case, my name has always been a great conversation starter. I like to talk about it, I really do. And most of the time, people say some really nice things and have very interesting observations. And I say that without a hint of sarcasm. At dinner parties and social gatherings, everyone seems genuinely interested in my name, which I find flattering and humbling at the same time. There are things you can totally ask me. Where my name comes from is suitable, yes. So is the story behind my name. It's just some times, people can be so oblivious! I get a lot of annoying questions and statements in response to a simple introduction. Here are my least favorites. And yes, they are all taken from real life situations.
1) “Are you named after the country?”
Why…why yes! Yes, I am. My parents love it more than me. Just the other day they were saying "Thank God we could take our only daughter in the whole world and dedicate her to a country we have never been to nor have any ties to at all! You are a shrine, India." "Thanks Mom and Dad! Looks like I am nothing more than a symbol to a people I have nothing to do with."
2) “Oh, are you Indian?”
Was it my white skin and obvious caucasianness that gave it away? Or just that my name is India? Because I hear people have been naming their kids after the place they're from A LOT lately. Like that friend I have named North Carolina. And that guy in my painting class named Ontario. Oh, and you can't forget Ireland! He's a champ! Except I AM KIDDING. Come on, really? Gimme a break.
3) “Where’s the jewel on your forehead? HAHAHA.”
Hilarious. And racist. Perfect. You people have really reached a new low with this one. What do you want me to do, laugh along with your stereotyping joke? Do I think it's funny that I don't have a jewel on my forehead but I'm named India? No. I don't. I think it makes sense. Why? Reread number 2, above. Some day I'm going to end up just saying something like "It fell off on the bus ride here. Damn it. Gotta order another pack tonight, I'm almost out." and then walk away. Then I'll get someone to describe the expression on the poor sucker's face to me because I don't want to turn around in fear I'll burst out laughing.
4) “Did your parents honeymoon in India?”
Thanks for putting scarring ideas and thoughts into my head. Also, isn't this a cocktail party? What kind of evening conversation starter is that?
5) “OHAI LOLZ, what’s your name again? China? Israel? LOLOLZERSS!!!!11”
I'm going to punch you.
6) “What’s up, Pakistan? Ha. Get it? It’s a country.”
Pakistan can be replaced with just about any country in the world, but believe me: I’ve heard them ALL. Yes, even The Democratic Republic of the Congo. You will not be original or funny or witty. Unless you are an extremely cute boy who is flirting with me, I will not find this charming or hilarious in the slightest. Go ahead. You can try. But I will probably smile bitterly, excuse myself, and then go cry in the bathroom. Plus I don't know what kind of social statement you're trying to make with replacing India with another country anyway...are we going to be talking about political parties? The cast system in Asian countries? Lemme just get out my notes.
7) “You must get this a lot, but…”
Then just don’t. Thanks.
8) “I bet you LOVE Indian food!”
What kind of fucked up logic is that? No. I do not. In fact, I don’t like it all. It's spicy and it burns and that hurts me and all I can eat is naan bread because I have a geographic tongue which makes me very susceptible to spices and citruses of all kinds (true condition - it's here). And now that you've made me feel like a close minded white Canadian-American who doesn't appreciate other cultures' foods, may I go? I'm craving some good old American cheddar cheese on Wonder bread.
That’s all I could come up with on the spot.
Isn’t that enough?
PS I do love my name though. A lot. And I love India. I want to go there so badly…
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